Political Science Student Has to Pretend to Read the News

Maximus Bean, Senior Writer

Dear Editor,

I need to write a paper on political events in my Poli-Sci class, but I’ve been really short on the news lately. I totally read it! But like, I don’t really get it, y’know? Just let me know if this all sounds right to you, I guess…

Ida Whatsername is heading down to New Orleans sometime, probably for Mardi Gras. That’s coming up quick, isn’t it? I thought it was in, like, February or something. It turns out, like, during Mardi Gras, you can just sleep at the bars and get drinks in the morning – isn’t that wild? 

I’ve also read that over at the disease place all those disease people are talking about a new Delta variant, Delta Plus. It’s gonna be way worse than everything else. We gotta distance twelve feet now because it’s way more contagious. Keep those droplets out. Keep! Out! Those! Droplets! This means that the raves and mosh pits are a big no-no. Not good at all. Just look at my man Josh here, he’s all sweaty and stuff from going out last Friday. Apparently, 17 people passed out from heatstroke this weekend. I can’t wait for next week’s concert! 

Now, I just gotta get serious for a sec because there’s a lot of bad stuff going on right now. Lots of awful stuff, and I’m against all the bad stuff. I’m so against it I’m writing against it right now. I am here to say: people, stop doing bad things. Stop bringing your cows to McDonald’s, people. Society has gone too much into the bad section of stuff. Bring society back. Cows are not pets. They’re vehicles at most. 

I miss California cantaloupes. Cantaloupes taste good. Right, guys? They’re orange and happy, kind of like what I want to be, minus the orange part.

Another big story is that we have a booster shot in eight months. I can’t really joke about that, otherwise I’ll get my comedy license revoked. Same thing with Afghanistan. Nothing funny there. 

It’s at this point that I am forced to think about life. What is comedy? What is news? My cereal has been taken over by the ants. Is that news? How much do I need to know to impress my friends and prove I know things? Sure I’m a Political Science major, but that doesn’t mean I need to actually pay attention, does it? I’ll just mimic what everyone else thinks. It’s not a big deal. Sure, something bad happened somewhere, but how does that affect me? It doesn’t, not really. Sure my folks are really steamed about tuition going up. You could ask why that is and look around to find out, but why do that? It doesn’t affect my immediate reality, so I think I’ll be fine. Gas is so expensive! Why? Sure, I can’t afford it, so I’ll just avoid the gas station. I think I’ll just take my bike more. Lumber prices shot up! I don’t know why in the slightest. What do I use lumber for anyway? Isn’t that just fancy wood? I can just dismantle the old treehouse in my backyard. Sure, that stuff is weird-looking and rotted, but is that any worse than paying a fortune for actual wood? Beats me, man. Just let me get my homework done and some grub and I’m right as rain. 

I definitely read the news though, like, I usually read it. Totally. I just had to skim it a little for this article. Then I thought, you know, even if I’m going for that major, do I really want to know what’s going on? I don’t know, man. I’m not saying to stop reading news, because it’s like, really important. Buy the Bucknellian. But beyond that, who needs to break the Bucknell Bubble anyways?

All Sincerity,

Joseph Student

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