Secret Scientific Lab Successfully Clones Winston Churchill, who was Previously Dead

Maximus Bean

An amazing report is coming from the bowels of the Himalayas, where Swedish scientist Zom Walker has successfully cloned the famous figure. The Bucknellian was lucky enough to score an exclusive – albeit brief – interview with him after I slipped him a hundred under the table.

“Ah, yes,” he cackled in his lair, petting the test tube with the baby inside. “With our combined might, we will rule the world, one Prime Ministry at a time!” When asked to clarify, he said he was referring to him and his test tube Winston.

Dr. Walker’s amazing feat has arrived hot on the heels of recent advancements in artificial organs, such as the artificial heart, the mechanical liver, the inverted gallbladder and the “test-tube trachea.” However, with this recent cloning, we can finally learn the great secrets stored in the man’s mind. With all of his knowledge and insight, we could decipher the great mysteries of World War II – whatever those may be. Of course, there are some ethical issues with cloning. For instance, if there was anything Churchill loved, it was cigars and alcohol. Cigars, as we know, cause you to breathe out smoke, and alcohol is the primary cause of drinking and driving. If Winston Churchill gets cloned with his legendary stomach for alcohol and smokes intact, then who’s to say that these companies won’t grow their own little Churchills to serve as mascots too? Alternatively, some detractors may claim that even though it’s the same genetics as Churchill, it doesn’t mean that he’ll have the “personality” or “experiences” that the original one does. This is obviously false. My family passed down the same personality traits for generations. I’m a satire writer. My father tells plenty of jokes. My father’s father was kinda funny too, my father’s father’s father created the “a horse walks into a bar” joke (he wasn’t as funny as his future generations would be), while my father’s father’s father’s father…

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