The Bucknellian

University scientists baffled by how Vans always land laces-up

University scientists baffled by how Vans always land laces-up

Jeff Klebauskas, Staff Writer

March 21, 2019


Filed under Satire

After years of research dating back to the early 1980s, University physics professors Gordan James Van Doren and Paul C. Lee remain stumped as to how Vans shoes always land laces-up after being slammed Off The Wall™ of the Olin Science Building.   The brand of shoes, specifically the checkered...

Prospective OAs practice 6 a.m. dance moves

Prospective OAs practice 6 a.m. dance moves

Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer

March 21, 2019


Filed under Satire

As students know from incessant Instagram stories and newsfeed posts, applications to be a 2019 Orientation Assistant have recently closed. Students are excited to prove that they are the best possible candidate to stand up on a caf table and “shake their booty” in their upcoming interviews. &...

Bucky’s Declassified: The Goblet of Fire

March 21, 2019


Filed under Satire

Tip #70,000 Graduating seniors will be contacted by the University to complete an exit counseling program to estimate their total student loan debts. Graduating seniors will also be contacted by the Counseling & Student Development Center to schedule a group therapy session once they realize how...

IQ tests prove professor’s dog is actually the smartest person in the room

Alex Boyer, Senior Writer

March 21, 2019


Filed under Satire

Statisticians and animal behavior specialists were especially perplexed on the afternoon of March 20. After three years of research and analysis, they have proven that Animal Behavior Professor Rivera’s long-haired chihuahua is, at any given moment, 100 percent likely to be the smartest person in...

Graduating senior in denial applies for 2020 room selection

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

March 21, 2019


Filed under Satire

University students have officially reached the halfway point in the semester, preparing for the infamous “House Party Weekend,” an outbreak of senioritis, and housing registration for the fall. This time of year is particularly difficult for seniors who are planning to graduate in May.   After...

New Caf pasta station is a total wild card, student body says

New Caf pasta station is a total wild card, student body says

Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer

February 28, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

This past Monday our beloved Bostwick Marketplace unveiled a brand new pasta station to replicate old Italian flavors and cater to the many noodle-loving Caf-goers. This change came as a direct response to student requests to University Dining Services.   “Being a pasta lover who only eats pasta, ...

Scheduling mix-up results in indoor track meet and career fair overlapping

Scheduling mix-up results in indoor track meet and career fair overlapping

Bridget Beljan, Senior Writer

February 28, 2019


Filed under Satire

College track teams and company recruiters alike came from all over the East Coast to the Gerhard Fieldhouse on Feb. 27. Little did they know they would be crossing paths, sometimes literally.   Businesses seeking prospective University employees and interns started setting up their stations aro...

Bucky’s Declassified Returns

Bucky’s Declassified Returns

February 28, 2019


Filed under Satire

Tip #a As we approach the midpoint of the semester, you may find it more and more difficult to stay awake during your classes. Coffee helps, but it’s only a temporary solution. There are several ways to better address your sleep deprivation. Paint fake eyes over your eyelids, create a life-size...

Student drops out after accidentally calling professor “Mom”

Amy Schlussler, Senior Writer

February 28, 2019


Filed under Satire

For many students, the adjustment to college life is difficult. There are a variety of factors that contribute to this burdensome feeling: realizing that it’s a bad idea to eat pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, learning to separate lights from darks, managing an intense academic workload, and ...

Uncle would like to know if you are friends with his buddy’s daughter who graduated in ’03

Alex Boyer, Senior Writer

February 28, 2019


Filed under Satire

An awkward conversation about a mysterious girl occurred this past Tuesday as Michael Eskibore ’22 interacted with his estranged uncle Pablo Eskibore. P. Eskibore, who recently left his fifth home in Tahiti for another job at a “totally legit business,” decided to make a quick stop on campus during...

Throwing wet clothes from washer to the ground the only thing senior has

Jeff Klebauskas, Staff Writer

February 28, 2019


Filed under Satire

According to reports from friends and Public Safety officers, Mike McGowan ’19 has resigned himself to throwing wet clothes from the washer onto the ground in various laundry rooms after realizing that getting wasted at 11 a.m. will no longer be socially acceptable once he graduates.   Since...

Flyson held hostage by army of squirrels

Flyson held hostage by army of squirrels

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writier

February 21, 2019


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

There must be something in the acorns in Lewisburg.   It seems that no matter where college students attend school, they believe that their university’s squirrels are abnormal in some way. Whether the squirrels are especially large in stature, nimble in the way they climb trees, or fearless when it c...

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