Bostwick workers have an incredibly strenuous job, and we as Bucknell students truly do not give them the credit they deserve. They are up at 5 a.m. each day making enough food to feed thousands of starving students, and they do so with a smile on their face. However, since we are in a hurry to get in a meal before our next class, oftentimes we take out our impatience on the caf workers and give them an attitude when asking for food. 

This explains why on Wednesday morning the Bostwick workers decided that they’ve had enough with our antics. They were tired of being mistreated by greedy and ungrateful students and collectively made the decision that it was time to put their foot down.

So, they went to Giant, purchased as many bottles of laxatives as they could carry and sprinkled them among all of the day’s batches of chicken. This was their way of getting revenge on the students—since grilled chicken is the most popular item in the caf, they knew that they could reach the largest range of victims this way.

By noon, Bravman called as many janitors as possible to alert them of a campus-wide toilet outage. Every toilet on campus was out-of-order, and the caf workers could only smile as they watched the chaos unfold. It was truly an appalling sight, but it was nothing compared to the symphony of agony coming from the bathroom next to the Bostwick entrance. The line to the bathroom was hundreds of students long, setting all-time records.

“We’ve been sabotaged!” an unsuspecting first-year shrieked after he realized what the caf workers did. He ran as fast as he could to warn his friends of the attack, but the damage had already been done. 

Professors were scratching their heads as they wondered why their classrooms were vacant. The hallways were flooded with students, but the classrooms were empty. The reason for students’ absence became clear when the hallways were pummeled by a horrible smell. One professor even fell to the floor after taking a whiff of the putrid scent.

Back at the caf, the workers had never been happier. They finally had a break, and decided to take in the moment. This was the first time they could have time to themselves. So, they fired up the sauté station and decided to treat themselves to elbow pasta with chicken and bacon. Little did they know, one caf worker sprinkled laxatives into the chicken at the sauté station in an effort to sabotage his fellow workers.

Some people just want to watch the world burn.