Here at Bucknell, we pride ourselves on our tight-knit community and longstanding campus traditions. From the candle lighting ceremony during Orientation to Convocation as a senior, Bucknell’s traditions leave students feeling warm and fuzzy inside as they look back on those experiences with reminiscent smiles spread across their faces. One of Bucknell’s most cherished traditions is none other than Family Weekend.

The weekend had finally arrived! Although the weather was not ideal, no amount of rain could dampen the fun of Saturday’s super festivities. Parents and students alike paraded down to St. Catty’s, ready to dance and drink the afternoon away. Not even the recent Covid outbreaks would deter Bucknellians; in fact, this only encouraged them to attend! Alcohol is a disinfectant, after all, so those with Covid made sure to rip extra shots to kill off the virus.

During Family Weekend, parents wanted to prove to their kids that they were really as cool as they claimed to be. Super was the perfect place to do so! Within minutes of arriving, a group of dads had already begun chugging beer out of shockingly long funnels strung from third-story windows. Though for some parents, this wouldn’t be enough.

“I just wanted to prove to Becca that I was one of the girls,” distraught mother Ruth Less commented after seeing posts about herself on YikYak. What did Mrs. Less do, you may wonder? Let’s just say she took the “Beer for Dad, Pledges for Mom” poster a little too seriously.

Super soon turned into a spectacle of parental pandemonium when parents stormed the kegs. Moms and dads alike hoisted themselves upside down, guzzling Natty Light in attempts to relive their long-forgotten collegiate glory. 

However, this glory was short-lived as parents’ brittle limbs began giving way. They teetered, toppled and tumbled over the kegs, crashing down onto the muddy ground below. Their cries pierced the ears of super-goers, completely killing the vibe of Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” that was playing in the background.

Injured parents writhed in pain through cascades of foam and dirt. Due to the high volume of injuries, Lambda pledges resourcefully brought out their slip ’n slide to use as a base for a makeshift Student Health station. After all the times our parents have taken care of us when sick, it was only fair that we returned the favor when they were in their wounded states.

Pledges carried their favorite moms over to the slip ’n slide, leaving the injured dads to fend for themselves. Pledges then took their Bumble bandanas and used them as tourniquets for the hot moms’ bleeding limbs. 

While the wounds on our parents’ bodies may be temporary, their egos will never be able to fully recover from the events of this Family Weekend. At least if your parents don’t come again next year, you won’t have to listen to their unsolicited relationship advice for another weekend!