Fire Friday was meant to give Bucknellians a chance to be shawties fire burnin’ on the dance floor, but unfortunately, students called 911 for an entirely different reason after the event: quite literally everything on campus besides the dance floor was burnin’ thanks to a group of aspiring pyromaniacs on campus. Instead of eating spicy foods at Uptown as the event advertised, these students, inspired by the hot food, had alternative plans: they decided to raise the temperature on campus by taking matches to all the buildings.

Bertrand? The Burning of the Library of Alexandria pales in comparison. Bostwick? Hot enough for the chicken there to finally be cooked properly. Harris Hall? Well… you actually couldn’t tell the difference here; the temperature feels just the same with the building on fire as it normally does. That’s beside the point though. Fire Friday lit the flames of passion for arson within Bucknellians, and someone has some explaining to do. 

Our search to find who exactly thought Fire Friday would be a good idea brought us to Uptown’s manager, a middle-aged man named Cal I. Ente. Supposedly, Cal had no clue what his event would inspire. 

He reported, “I’ll tell you right now, bro, my mind was on the shawties. Sean Kingston is my favorite philosopher, so I just wanted to spread his teachings and give everyone the ‘Fire Burnin’ experience.” Cal refused to comment when we grilled him about the matches sticking out of his shirt. 

Now, given the matches and that pitiful excuse about the inspiration for Fire Friday, it seems like a pretty open-and-shut case: our mastermind arsonist is Cal. 

However, we satire writers at “The Bucknellian” have been on the hot seat for a while with people calling for our jobs. They say that we don’t do serious work! Imagine that! To prove those people wrong, we really dug deep with this investigation, and in a Scooby-Doo-esque plot twist, the paper trail (of the papers that weren’t burned, that is) led us straight to PSafe’s Fire Department after we tracked the name from an envelope found in Uptown that night.

Public Safety!? They’re here to help us though. Why would they want to inspire students to break out their torches? Well, apparently, the firefighters in the department are in the same sinking boat we satire writers are in; that is to say, they’re going to lose their jobs, too. 

When confronted, Apollo Phoenix, the chief firefighter and mastermind behind Fire Friday, said, “Bucknell simply has no need for firefighters. We had, what, one fire at some crappy downtown house last year? It was only a matter of time before we were going to get burned by budget cuts, so I decided to take matters into my own hands.” 

The campus is safe now that all the wannabe arsonists have been locked away, but be sure to keep away from corners; those are 90 degrees!