Anosmia is the medical term for loss of smell. This loss of smell can be caused by phenomena such as injuries or COVID-19, and at first glance, most people would probably say it’s a bad thing. Those people clearly haven’t been to Bucknell.
Lately, there has been a horrific stench floating around campus, and shockingly, it’s not coming from any of the usual culprits. Typically, if something smells bad around here, it’s either coming from the sewers near the ELC or the CS majors who decided to go for a walk. This time, however, the first-years were the guilty party.
Noxious Noah, a first-year who has spearheaded the first-years’ initiative to beat the smelly allegations, claims, “The showers broke, dude. What do you want us to do?”
Now, let’s say we believe Noah… let’s say that somehow all the showers in Smith, McDonnell, Vedder and Swartz broke. Even if that were to be the case, it just can’t be a coincidence that all of the first-year showers, and only the first-year showers, simultaneously broke. Right? I may have just failed a Stats exam, but it doesn’t take a genius to know that kind of thing simply does not happen. Luckily, we have some pretty smart folks writing for us here at “The Bucknellian,” and they were able to come up with a theory: the stink broke the showers.
It’s very much a “which came first, the chicken or the egg?” kind of situation. Do the first-years stink because their showers broke, or did the showers break because the first-years stink? The latter case, which is what we believe happened, might seem unlikely at first glance.
“Seriously? When has anything like that ever happened?” you might ask. Or you might opt for the classic, “It defies all laws of physics!”
First of all, don’t lie to yourself; you don’t know what’s going on in physics. Second, and perhaps more importantly, have you ever seen Shrek? When our favorite green ogre looks in the mirror, it breaks because it simply can’t handle his ugli… beauty. Would it really be that much of a stretch to assume that the same thing might happen to a shower?
Look at this situation and just try to tell me it doesn’t make perfect sense. A first-year tries to get into a shower. The shower smells them (that’s what all the holes in the shower head are for!), and decides that this is a job that is way, way above its pay grade, so it quits and breaks. Is it unlikely? Sure. Is it any more unlikely than every single shower in every single first-year hall breaking on its own? No chance.
Regardless of which theory you subscribe to, there is something that all of us should know or should get to know, after this stinky situation: deodorant.