Over the past few days, Bucknell professors have been left speechless as their class attendance dwindled to a fraction of what it was in the first week. And that’s not all! Professor Gran Smith had this to say about the students who have still been attending class, “I don’t know how to say this nicely, so I’m just going to say it… they’re nerds. I’m sorry, but they’re all nerds!” 

That’s no coincidence either. The only students who have been attending classes are Android users. Apple users, on the other hand, have been enjoying—or if they value their education, suffering from—a new iPhone update. This update has rendered their alarms virtually silent, causing many students to sleep through their classes. 

Why in the world would Apple do this? According to Pink Lady, the company’s CEO, this update is exactly what college students asked for. She said, “Students are always complaining about their alarms going off and having to get up for early classes, so we essentially got rid of their alarms and gave them the perfect excuse to miss class all in one update!” 

This is an excuse that many students, known as Slackers, have been more than happy to take advantage of, though it is worth noting that all of the Slackers we talked to were failing their classes before the update anyway. Pretty impressive for only being two weeks into the semester!

This update has also given birth to another faction on campus: the Rotten Apples. Despite their name, these students are actually some of the best on campus. We’re talking perfect attendance, participation in class and, of course, straight A’s. Unfortunately, this new iPhone update has even harmed them, marring their perfect records with the stain and shame of missed classes and A minuses.

Yesterday, their mysterious leader, known only as Worm, led the group in smashing every apple in Bostwick as a form of silent protest against the company and its update. Will that make a difference? No, but do any other movements on college campuses?

Caroline B. Meen said, “I support the update, but not because I want to cut class like the Slackers. I support it because, over the past few days, I’ve gotten some of the best sleep of my life.” She went on to add, “Normally, my roommate sets 50 different alarms, and the only person they wake up is me!”

With the importance of sleep in mind, it would make sense for professors to conduct research on this update and its potential health benefits. 

Unfortunately, seeing as there is an Apple involved, the doctors are staying far away from this one.