After receiving over 4,000 letters of complaint from professors, Bucknell’s administration recently came to a groundbreaking decision to solve one of the university’s longest-standing problems. As of last Wednesday, Bucknell has officially implemented a strict 25-word per class limit to curb the incessant verbal diarrhea spouted from our especially loquacious students. This policy was dubbed the Chatter Cap.

“It was about time they created this type of rule,” said Classics Professor Kim Unikate. “I understand that students have insights worth sharing, and I want them to know that the classroom is a safe place for them to voice their opinions. However, I also want them to know when to zip it.”

Professor Unikate was far from alone. She and the rest of her colleagues were elated that they could finally reach the end of their lectures without being interrupted a dozen times. However, this joy was short-lived. Professors realized that without the constant stream of comments from students who wouldn’t stop yapping, there is much more class time that must be filled with actual teaching. To compensate for this additional time, professors have been letting students out of class at least 20 minutes early all week.

“The Chatter Cap is outrageous!” cried Timmy Talksalot, an aspiring self-designed Communications and Political Science double major. “This is a violation of my freedom of speech, my verbal autonomy and my rights as an American citizen! Bucknell won’t get away with-”

Timmy had reached his word limit for the day, so his response came to an abrupt halt.

To make sure the Chatter Cap was not violated, Bucknell has hired dozens of Lewisburg locals to sit in on lectures and keep word counts for each student. Bucknell claims that this is their way of giving back to the Lewisburg community, allowing residents to attend classes without paying $80k. In reality, this was just Bucknell’s attempt to justify unpaid labor. The word counters were tasked with sealing violators’ mouths with a thick layer of masking tape until their word counts reset the next class session.

With the Chatter Cap officially enacted, Bucknellians have been struggling to meet their participation requirements for class credit. To combat this, students have been selling their leftover words at the end of each day to one another on the black market. 

Those who couldn’t afford these transactions were forced to communicate in class by other means. Students have been miming, tapping morse code and even performing interpretive dances in desperate attempts to get their message across. Unfortunately, not all messages are easy to convey in these ways.

Sophomore Porta Patti will be the first to attest to this. To Patti’s dismay, her professor was unable to decipher her metaphoric dance meant to signify that she really had to use the bathroom. Poor Porta Patti peed her pants!

Will Bucknell be better off without unrelenting ranters plaguing its classrooms? The world may never know because the administration was forced to repeal the Chatter Cap after the CAP Center sued for copyright infringement.