Slow walking isn’t a crime, but it should be. Like seriously, what do people who walk slowly actually contribute to society? Absolutely nothing. In fact, they’re a burden and almost anything bad that happens in life can be traced back to a slow walker. You were late? Only because of a slow walker! You failed your test? It’s a slow walker’s fault! Your significant other called to tell you that there’s someone new and she no longer has feelings for you? You guessed it! Slow walker! Clearly, slow walkers are a problem, a problem that Bucknell has let fester far too long. What’s the solution though? You can’t just control the way in which people move…or can you?

To address the slow walker epidemic on Bucknell’s campus, the administration has passed new legislation stating that anyone who is caught walking below a certain speed is to be sentenced to “The Bicycle.” While “The Bicycle” sounds ominous, almost like some medieval torture device, it is exactly what it sounds like. It’s literally just a bike.

So, you might be asking yourself, “To punish the slow walkers…we’re giving them a bike? For free?” That sounds like a great deal for them, but it certainly wouldn’t be much of a punishment. No. Instead of that, slow walkers are now to be hot glued to the seat of the bike, forcing them to ride it everywhere. And by everywhere, we truly do mean everywhere!

Michael B. Cycling, a formerly slow-walking Bucknellian, was one of the first students to receive this new punishment. While Cycling expressed nothing but joy about, well, cycling around the hallways and down stairways, he did make note of one (most likely unintended) consequence. See, being forced to ride a bicycle was initially just supposed to speed up our walkways.

According to Cycling, however, this punishment has “made going to the bathroom an…interesting experience.” The administration did not respond to our inquiries pertaining to this topic. 

Overall, the new rule has been extremely effective at reducing the issue of slow walkers. The issue is, however, that now people move too fast. Whether it’s because they’re scared of being stuck to a bike or because they already are, no one takes the time to stop and appreciate the little things anymore. The walks to classes with a friend, watching sunsets on the quad, the rush of adrenaline that comes with waking up late and not knowing whether you’ll be able to make it somewhere on time…it’s all, as Taylor Swift said, “slipped away into a moment in time.” 

Noting this, one group on campus, known as the Shellraisers, has started a petition to glue the feet of people who walk too fast to the backs of turtles in an effort to get people to slow down a bit. We will provide updates as this story develops, but the word on the street is that there’s an Italian plumber trying to put an end to the Shellraiser’s plans.