With classes in full swing, Bucknellians from all walks of life have already found themselves swamped in work.  Here, a 3-hour physics lab. There, a 70-page reading.  Biochemistry, philosophy, you name it—each major is losing sleep for Big Bucky.

However, Bucknell’s administration has found that not all students are ‘ray Bucknell-ing to their fullest capacity.  Another year of data collection and analysis has revealed a dark mark on these data tables: the undecided. Because these students are undecided, they don’t contribute anything to their classes as they lack academic specialization and discipline.

The Board of Trustees announced last week that the undecided would be sent to fulfill a variety of overlooked campus needs since the administration thinks they currently serve no purpose. The ever-dedicated President Bravman personally announced these roles, reading aloud from a scroll on Malesardi Quad.

“Naturally, we couldn’t rely on the ones with commitment issues to choose for themselves,” Bravman stated.

Just what are these jobs, one may wonder?

One John Doe, as he would prefer to be called, has had to develop super strength.  Each day, he heeds the call of students, serving as their personal butlers to carry their heavy packages from the mailroom to their dorms. John has had so much fun with this job, he has completely forgotten that he needs to decide on a major! Instead, he spends all his free time repping sets at the KLARC.

“I think I should just be a bodybuilder at this point,” he states. “At least I’d get all the chicks.”

Over on Seventh Street, Varian P. Pared has uncovered a future as a spider whisperer after Bucknell hired him after the recent discovery of an infestation. In between classes, he can be found coaxing spiders out of their favorite areas, whether outside windows or on the bridge by the café. 

“You know, I’m a bit of an arachnophobe,” he explains, donning a plague doctor mask.  “At least it’s for a good cause.”

To be sure that the undecided don’t feel silenced, a select few have been gifted megaphones by the Board. At Bostwick’s beloved smoothie bar, one freshman is summoned outside of its hours of operation each night. Her job? To prevent loitering with a chirpy “WE’RE CLOSED!” Traffic flow is expected to improve with this useful confirmation.

As all of these jobs have come to light, the question remains: are undecided majors really that useless?  Some have begun skipping class in protest, with many standing in solidarity.  

For now, the future remains fittingly unclear for the undecided.