It is a sad day at Bucknell University. News got out that the mailroom is temporarily not in service. We all knew this day would come, but nobody thought it would be this soon.

The mailroom has exploded due to the obscene overflow of packages that Bucknell staff simply could not handle. The cause appears to be the constant flood of packages for first-years who forgot everything they needed at home. Plus, first-year girls needed way more going-out tops. 

“Honestly, after first hearing about the mailroom, my mom’s credit card was just too tempting, and Shein was calling my name,” said a first-year girl from Swartz Hall who ordered $600 worth of corset tops. The entire wardrobe she already had in her dorm apparently wasn’t enough to keep up with her three times per week going out schedule.

The mailroom is going to take several weeks to recover from this setback. The explosion happened in the early hours one Friday morning, with packages bursting out of the lockers and covering every inch of the first floor of the ELC. Rumor has it that the disaster took place due to the number of online shopping orders sent out on Wednesday and Thursday; one-day shipping will surely be the death of Bucknell. 

The boys had also contributed to the excessive package buildup. However, instead of ordering fast-fashion, they ordered sticks of deodorant and Axe body spray. Professors took notice that there was a lack of deodorant being used by the first-year boys, and so they required that students come into class armed with deodorant as evidence. Dozens of Speed Sticks arrived on campus by Friday morning. It is safe to say that Walgreens has been racking up cash just from Bucknell students alone so far this year!

“I thought that the showers came with soap,” claimed Ba Dioder, a confused first-year. 

Studies show that body odor levels have aggressively risen in the past weeks, and rumor has it that one professor even passed out after a young man came straight to calculus class after leg day at the gym. The boy tried to mask his musk with his new Axe body spray, but that only made the stench stronger. 

“In my defense, I spray it all over my room and it smells up the entire hall, so I figured it would work just fine,” said gym bro Trey Damill ’27. 

But don’t you worry, the mailroom will be back in service soon, just in time for Halloween costume shopping!