Now that classes are back in full swing, Bucknellians are feeling the weight of the challenging courseloads they overzealously chose last semester. GPAs have diminished, sleep schedules have deteriorated and mental health has plummeted as students hang onto their borderline grades by a measly thread. Students are now finding that their exam scores are at an all-time low. Because of this, many have been requesting permission from professors to retake their exams.
Due to the high volume of students requesting exam retakes, professors have come up with an innovative way to reduce how many they have to grant. Rather than allowing retakes if students have valid excuses such as missing class due to illness or religious obligations, professors will only grant retakes to students who are hot enough. This evaluation policy has been dubbed the “Hotness Factor.”
“We’re living in a highly visual age,” said Professor Hannah Hollywood, who spearheaded the initiative. “It’s important for our students to not only excel academically but also to be aesthetically appealing to the public eye. We believe this policy will best prepare them for the real world.”
Under this highly controversial policy, students must submit a portfolio of flattering headshots alongside their retake requests. A panel of experts composed of Instagram influencers, Victoria’s Secret models and a few suspiciously attractive janitors will then evaluate the photos and report a Hotness Factor score to your professor. Only those who score an 8.4 or higher will be awarded a retake.
While this new policy has not proved problematic for members of our top-ranked sororities, not all Bucknellians have been graced with these advantageous facial features. To combat this, students have been flooding salons downtown in order to achieve the perfect look that will catch the panelists’ attention.
One salon, “Bucky’s Beautymakers,” has even added a discounted “Bucknell Special” to their list of services. Dozens of students have purchased the Bucknell Special this past week, leaving with manicured nails, tweezed eyebrows and whitened teeth to dazzle their critics.
For those who don’t want to leave campus, Management 101 students have begun selling hotness elixirs to the student body in the ELC mall.
MIDE major Bethany Bling ’26 explains, “If you want to impress your professors, you’ve gotta look good! Sounding smart just doesn’t cut it anymore. Get yourself some of our hotness elixir today for the low price of only $79 per ounce!”
Regardless of your Hotness Factor score, it’s vital that you remember one thing. Here at Bucknell, your academic success is not just about hitting the books; it’s about hitting the best note with your professors by looking hot! So, pucker up, flash those pearly whites and strut your way to that A+.
