“The Bucknellian” has always been highly esteemed among the student body, striving each day to live up to the name of our beloved Bucky the Bison through the sharing of important campus news. And yet, in recent weeks, a major dilemma has arisen: the number of writers on staff is dwindling. Whether they suddenly teleported away (“The Society”-style) or died remains uncertain. As of now, only five, no four, no, three students remain. This raises the question, “Who is even writing these articles?”

John Ponds, a first-year student who recently joined the staff and has so far published only one article, states, “Yeah, I met like 20 people in the club meeting, and now there’s like none. I don’t even know if there was a club to begin with, or if I’m even a writer.”

This amnesia is very troubling. Has there been one writer within the club all along, dressing up and registering as multiple students for extra dining dollars? Who knows? But I will tell you one thing, dear readers: as the executive investigator of the case, I will not rest until I have proved that a different writer writes each article.

Shakespeare once asked the eternal question, “What’s in a name?” 

Indeed, what is a name when a pseudonym can be born in an instant? Does it even matter if the names in our newspaper belong to real people? It does matter, readers, for this is the purpose I have chosen in life. If you take away this investigatory task from me, I will be nothing more than a plastic bag floating in the wind. 

One reader, Kitty Blues ’26, states, “Gee, I don’t care about all that name guacamole. I just want to laugh.” 

But this is no laughing matter, Kitty. How dareth thee! Not only do you question the intelligence of the multiple people on the investigating staff—known as Operation Flying Pigs, in an attempt to keep prying eyes off the scent—but also the staff of Bucky-nell. This is an important issue that must be brought to trial.

Now, when one begins deductive reasoning, one must first look to the inside. Inside myself, I see brains, beauty and talent. I also see a face. Wait. Multiple faces. 

Oh my goodness! Am I the sole writer? 

I’ve been writing my articles under different names all along! My purpose is lost. There is no one but me. I am all there is. Who even wrote this article?

I-… we should probably stop writing now before our mental breakdowns translate onto the page.