One guy said, “It’s so cool and fascinating. I wish I were there right now.”
Another, “I can’t believe it. I just can’t.”
And another, “OH my GOD, dude!”
What were these fellas speaking about? Why, the Roman Empire, of course! The Roman Empire is the newest debate for all the guys Rome-ing around campus. They are discussing Caesar, gladiators, formalized sanitation and other Ro-man things. Where this conversation stems from, we do not know, but it raises the question: what do girls discuss? To find out, we asked a few.
The overwhelming majority responded with: “math.”
That’s right, dear readers. The decades-long plight for women in STEM has at last reached this pinnacle of progress. Our reporters were enlightened by the fascinating perspective these gals offered on work begun by Pythagoras, Archimedes and Fibbonaci. For at least half of our audience, let us put it into understandable terms.
Consider the famous Julius Caesar. If he was stabbed 23 times, then really, he was only stabbed about 20 times. If he lived to be 55, then he lived to almost 60. However, he was stabbed when he was barely 50. If there were about 60 people present at his death, then there were actually 100, because only ⅕ of them killed him, so he was a victim of a minority. This is not to be confused with the ⅔ who liked him because mayhaps ⅓ knew of the conspiracy. If he was only dictator for a year before being killed but was recognized in Roman politics since he was 31, then he served 20 years as Rome’s ruler. This meant that he was actually only stabbed once because his murder was spread out across a 20-year reign, but he died after 30 years at the age of 60. This was, again, only due to 415 of those present at his assassination because ⅓ of compliance is worth less than ⅕ of action but must still be considered. Therefore, Caesar was gradually killed by a single senator each year of his 30-year-long power in Rome.
Of course, this may be complex for some readers. Other topics that captivate feminine guiles include: mac and cheese, Aarton Tveit’s key change in “El Tango de Roxanne,” murder, squirrel poses, the mantis shrimp and much more. The sensibilities of our fair ladies prove mystifyingly complex.
One Imacoo L. Dudeson remarked, “Women are great. Where else am I going to hear about ‘The Golden Bachelor?’ Everyday. All the time. It’s great.”
The staff of “The Bucknellian” agrees! Girls are paving the way for vital discussions, from mathematics to the mystery of appearing 40 at age 70. What is there to still be learned from the Roman Empire, besides bathing? Indeed, while boys dwell on the past, girls are looking towards the future in their ever-so-sacred 2 a.m. rants. After all, Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither was girl math.