At Bucknell, students know that their satisfaction is the administration’s top priority. That’s why earlier this month, Bucknell’s dining team installed a pristine HappyOrNot review machine in Bostwick for students to use to provide feedback on their cafeteria experience.

In a shocking turn of events, the machine has taken a sudden leap into self-awareness, transcending its humble origins as a passive collector of student feedback. What used to be a straightforward means of expressing meal dissatisfaction has now evolved into a sentient critique machine, equipped with a digital voice and unquenchable thirst for giving feedback of its own.

Students who once thought the HappyOrNot machine was just another lifeless piece of cafeteria decor were appalled. The machine now has the audacity to rate the students themselves, offering brutally honest commentary on their attire, table manners and even their posture.

Disgruntled first-year Troy Frederickson reported, “When I went to the caf yesterday, all I wanted was a V2 bowl. But when I walked in, all of a sudden I heard some machine telling me that I stand like the hunchback of Notre Dame. Is that why girls don’t talk to me?”

Frederickson’s embarrassment was palpable, and he was far from alone. Students are now entering the caf more cautiously than ever, desperately attempting to enjoy the fine dining and leave with their egos unscathed. It’s not just fashion and food that the review machine mocks; it is branching out into every aspect of student life. It is not uncommon to hear it pass unsolicited relationship advice onto students.

After peering over one student’s shoulder and reading their text conversation, the machine said, “Your choice in partners is subpar at best, and the way you text is a grammatical nightmare. This conversation is drier than Bostwick’s grilled chicken. You should reconsider your life choices.”

Because of how many students have left negative reviews about the caf’s grilled chicken, the review machine had a very accurate conception of how dry it was, making this interjection all the more brutal.

One overzealous senior, aspiring fashion designer Stitch McFabulous, was determined to impress the machine and receive a positive rating. So, last week he strutted into Bostwick sporting a luxurious leather jacket and gray joggers that he designed himself. To his dismay, the machine was less than amused.

The machine spurted out, “You aren’t supposed to wear your Halloween costume during the day, silly! Also, you look disgusting when you eat.”

The existence of the HappyOrNot review machine has spurred wild conspiracy theories, with some students speculating that it’s part of an elaborate social experiment or a secret plot by the caf workers to improve student behavior through public humiliation. 

Who cares what a stupid machine thinks? Being a college student is all about the path of self-discovery, even if that path includes some questionable fashion choices along the way. So dine on, study diligently and embrace your awkward text message conversations without worrying about what this digital monster thinks.