As the clock relentlessly ticks away and the calendar pages flip with ever-increasing speed, we find ourselves in a race against time. We are no longer the young, carefree children that we used to be, and this poignant realization has hit Bucknellians particularly hard recently. Student Health has reported to the University that we are now experiencing a nostalgia outbreak on campus, with hundreds of students currently afflicted and seeking cures. In response, Bucknell’s administration contrived a creative solution in an attempt to mitigate the outbreak: extreme hopscotch. 

Yes, you read that correctly. Extreme hopscotch, the sport that combines childhood memories with acrobatic daredevilry, is set to take Bucknell Athletics by storm as our 28th varsity sports team. According to a press release from the Bucknell Athletics Department, extreme hopscotch will be open to both men and women, and tryouts are scheduled for the week after Thanksgiving Break. Bucknell has even recruited a renowned hopscotch coach, Skip McJumpington, to lead the team to victory. Coach McJumpington’s resume includes several top-level hopscotch championships, including winning the Olympic gold medal for the sport at the 2020 Tokyo Olympic Games.

While traditional hopscotch involves hopping from one numbered square to another in a linear pattern, extreme hopscotch takes things to a whole new level. Bucknell has announced that they will be investing a small fortune into creating an extreme hopscotch course that would put the most daring American Ninja Warrior course to shame. Players will be required to navigate a treacherous course filled with obstacles, including fiery hoops, swinging pendulums and pools of bubbling lava. In addition, there will be bonus style points awarded for performing somersaults, cartwheels and backflips while hopping through the course.

Naturally, the decision to add extreme hopscotch to the varsity sports roster has drawn its fair share of skepticism. Critics argue that it’s a waste of university resources and that the sport lacks the competitive rigor of more traditional endeavors.

One aggravated student, senior Bo Ring, exclaimed, “Extreme hopscotch?! Are you kidding me?! What’s next, extreme marbles? Extreme Just Dance? Extreme rock skipping?”

Clearly, Ring didn’t have a very fulfilling childhood. Many students are genuinely enthusiastic about the addition of extreme hopscotch, claiming that it would be a fantastic way to promote physical fitness, balance, agility and, of course, lots of fun.

Will extreme hopscotch become Bucknell’s claim to fame, or will it fade into obscurity faster than the childhood memories of hopscotch past? While tryouts have yet to take place, the extreme hopscotch student section’s GroupMe chat is already buzzing with more enthusiasm than the football student section’s, though admittedly, that’s not a very high bar to surpass.

Tryouts are soon, Bucknellians, so get hopping!