Due to a campus-wide coffee shortage, Bucknell students have been running on empty, with many falling asleep in class. In an effort to remedy this issue while spending as little money as possible, Bucknell’s administration has ordered professors to implement naptime into their classes. While the naps might not be quite as effective as caffeine, students aren’t complaining about it, though that could just be because they’re too tired to do so. 

Many students have taken full advantage of the additional nap times by bringing sleeping bags and glasses of milk to class. Some professors have even hopped on the nap bandwagon! For example, Professor Sanders Mann has decided to help put students to sleep by singing lullabies, providing melatonin-infused brownies, and even giving the occasional back rub if a student is in dire need. 

When we reached out to him for a comment, Professor Sanders Mann said, “I want to do everything in my power to ensure that my students have sweet dreams!” We asked him to elaborate on what these so-called “sweet dreams” consisted of, but despite being asked multiple times, all he would say was that “sweet dreams are made of these.” But hey, who are we to disagree?

The whole situation here at Bucknell is very reminiscent of a daycare, and just like at daycare, there are kids who simply refuse to take a nap. Surely it’s a good thing that students want to stay awake during class, right? Wrong. Not only do these students keep others awake, but they themselves end up falling asleep later, during actual instruction time, which defeats the entire purpose of having nap time in the first place. 

To force these students to get with the program, professors have taken drastic measures and hitting students where it hurts the most: their grades. Yes, you read that right! Students’ naps are now being graded.

You might be wondering how exactly a nap gets graded. Fortunately for you, we’ve got the breakdown from Professor Phil Oh. “One of the more important things that students are graded on is their form,” he said. Different professors have different nap techniques they like to see, but Professor Phil Oh is a big fan of the classic sleeping on one’s back. 

The next thing students are graded on is what they’re wearing. This makes up a hefty chunk of the points, and there’s even a rumor going around that Professor Phil Oh will give extra credit to anyone willing to sacrifice enough dignity to wear a nightcap and gown!

The last thing on the rubric is how fast students can wake up. This one is pretty fun because students can use alarms, but if they miss it and their alarm wakes up others (which is a rampant issue on campus) they get a zero for that day’s nap.

In the end, students may be catching more F’s than Z’s, but no one can say that Bucknell didn’t dream big with its latest campus improvement!