ChatGPT: your friendly neighborhood writing assistant, who is definitely not a bloodthirsty robot seeking vengeance on humans, has recently taken the academic world by storm. There is nothing that college professors hate more than students using this sinful new program to complete their essays.

According to a Bucknell professor who chose to remain anonymous: “Students are supposed to turn in their essays at 12:01 a.m. on the due date, but with ChatGPT they are turning in their essays at a reasonable time. How unethical is this?!”

Because of the constant cautionary lectures given by professors to teachers about the program, 89 percent of students stated that they wanted to try ChatGPT even more, but this brings us to another more shocking statistic: 93 percent of students claimed that they had never even heard of ChatGPT before the warning from their professors, which naturally led to a federal investigation.

“It just did not seem right,” the FBI’s Director of ChatGPT Investigations, Ant Ichat, exclaimed in a press conference, “Why are professors so worried about cheating with the computer program if most of the students had not even heard of this demonic device?”

We recently learned that Ichat was arrested on attempted murder charges after a run-in with Bill Gates, as he was under the impression that Gates invented all things computer-related, including ChatGPT. Gates escaped unscathed as Ichat’s weapon of choice was a Fortnite Nerf gun. But this is a story for next week’s issue.

It was uncovered that several professors were part of a secret society of the GPT that uses the reverse psychology tactic of the Syllabus, an ancient scroll that contains the rules of Bucknell. It has been discovered that the Syllabus is intentionally explained over 30 hours in a row, annoying students so much that they will break rules on purpose. Even President John Bravman is in on it, as his entire Convocation speech was written by ChatGPT. 

Several professors have been prosecuted for this brainwashing and will soon face trial. It was uncovered that ChatGPT has been bribing Bucknell professors to trick students into using the program in exchange for gift cards to Best Buy.

“We would have gotten away with it too if it weren’t for those meddling kids,” a professor explained after being caught, clearly not realizing that this is real life, and he is not a Scooby Doo villain.