The mean streets of Lewisburg are no place to raise a family. Not because there’s nothing to do there, mind you, but because the crime levels are absurd. Lewisburg is basically the Gotham City of central Pennsylvania. Unfortunately, the city’s Batman equivalent, known only as Bravman, is nowhere to be found. In his absence, crime levels have soared, forcing PSafe to turn to a new method of fighting crime: BSafe.

BSafe is an app with a wide array of safety features, the primary one being that it allows students at Bucknell to report crimes to PSafe. Sure, it’s not Bravman and his trusty sidekick Bucky, but nothing is. In theory, it’s an excellent idea to get students involved in the never-ending war against crime. 

However, as is often repeated in Christopher Nolan’s “Oppenheimer,” “Theory will only take you so far.” Unfortunately for PSafe, in practice, their app has been getting students involved in crime in all the wrong ways. 

BSafe is strikingly similar in name to the popular social media platform BeReal, which allows users to share a photo with friends of what they’re doing at a randomly chosen time each day. Noticing this, students have started a challenge to use BSafe to document and share as many of their own crimes with others as possible. Obviously, “others” also includes PSafe, so those who were dumb enough to use real forms of ID or actually show their face on the app, such as “French Fried” Fournier and “In Toxic” Kate, were quickly put to rest. 

While there are a bunch of wannabe crooks on the app, some true professionals have wisely chosen to use anonymous usernames as they climb the crime leaderboards. No one has ever heard from the top dog, VandalismIsCool, whose “art” cannot be described here. We were able to get in touch with the number two, XxUnderwearBanditXx, through text. It goes without saying what kind of crime they specialize in, but what we wanted to know was why. 

To this, the bandit said, “Seeing the trust Bucknellians have for their peers go under is a joy. ‘Under where?’ you might ask. Exactly! They went on to add, “The person sitting right next to you could have your underwear, or even worse, be wearing your underwear, and you would never know.”

Now obviously, this crime spike wasn’t what PSafe intended; blood sugar spikes are probably more along the lines of what they were looking for as, “The road to Dunkin’ Donuts is paved with good intentions.” However, a crime spike is what they got, and unfortunately, it’s going to take a whole lot more than insulin to solve this problem.