The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University

The Bucknellian

The List: Things we would rather do than go to the Bison at noon

Courtney Wren and Carolyn Hickey
September 15, 2016
Filed under Satire, The List

Shave our right eyebrows Go to prison Get a splinter Take two exams in a row Make small talk with a professor before class Wait in line at an uphill register in January Recruitment (practice and the real thing) Solicit our peers to buy MGMT 101 products Be someone's proxy...

Engineer attempts to write satirical article

Katie Solley, Contributing Writer
September 11, 2016
Filed under Satire

Parents concerned they might be paying for daughter to become a feminist

Maggie Carlson, Contributing Writer
September 8, 2016
Filed under Satire

As the Women’s and Gender Studies Department continues to expand, the University reports a proportionate increase in the number of phone calls from parents complaining about their daughters becoming feminists. John Gateway, father of Lisa Gateway ’19, has lodged a formal complaint with the University...

Sorority women scream into pillows in desperate attempt to recreate raspy recruitment voices

Amanda Relick and Senior Writer
September 8, 2016
Filed under Satire

The welcoming shrieks of sorority women could be heard all throughout the University’s campus Aug. 26- Sept. 2. The sorority women who live in Hunt Hall worked tirelessly to perfect the songs they sing to welcome their potential new members (PNMs), which needed to be sung at maximum volume to have...

Downtown Houses You May Know

Downtown Houses You May Know

September 8, 2016
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

The List: Things that take longer than Brock Turner’s jail sentence

Madeline Diamond and Courtney Wren
September 8, 2016
Filed under Satire, The List, Top Stories

1. The mailroom line during syllabus week 2. Working with the Office of Global & Off-campus Education 3. Connecting to SafeConnect 4. Opening your campus mailbox 5. Finding an empty treadmill at the gym 6. Walking from the South Campus Apartments to downtown 7. The stoplight on...

Students ask classmates about their summers despite not actually caring

Amanda Relick, Staff Writer
September 1, 2016
Filed under Satire

Returning to the University from summer vacation has sparked the annual campus-wide plague of awkward hellos. The plague has hit hard these first two weeks of classes, while only the poor, innocent first-years were spared. Upperclassmen must make the life or death decision to acknowledge certain...

Sorority girl decapitated after sticking head out window for recruitment video

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
September 1, 2016
Filed under Satire

In a tragic turn of events during sorority recruitment, the University is mourning the loss of Jenny Acwest ’18. While participating in the filming of Gamma Delta Iota’s recruitment video, Acwest was gravely injured. After sticking her head out of the sunroof of a white Jeep Wrangler with New Jersey...

First-year takes off lanyard, feels naked

First-year takes off lanyard, feels naked

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor
September 1, 2016
Filed under Satire, Top Stories

During New Student Orientation, all first-year and transfer students were presented a University-issued lanyard emblazoned with their name and hometown. Jack Klarc ’20 was no different; he was christened with his lanyard, with his name John (he had to clarify his nickname) and his hometown of Scarsdale, ...

The List: Things professors expect you to have for the first day of class

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor
September 1, 2016
Filed under Satire, The List

An eagerness to learn and an overall positive attitude toward getting up at the crack of dawn to listen to a lecture about something you may or may not be interested in. A fun fact that is both witty and intellectually stimulating. Bonus points if it reveals something about your deeply flawed ch...

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