The Bucknellian

President Bravman’s account hacked, fake snow day email sent to campus

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

February 7, 2019


Filed under Satire

Audible sighs of disappointment were heard across the Malesardi Quadrangle and downtown yesterday afternoon as President John Bravman reversed his historic class cancellation scheduled for next Tuesday. Reports from officials in the President’s office revealed that the planned cancellation was actual...

University scientists discover health benefits of 4-day week after first snow day in decades

Amy Schlussler, Staff Writer

February 7, 2019


Filed under Satire

The University made history on Jan. 31 when University President John Bravman decided to cancel classes due to inclement weather, breaking the good news via email. Given the steady flow of emails from the University into student inboxes, receiving yet another email from Bravman was a surprise to no...

University extends winter break indefinitely until campus ice melts

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writer

January 31, 2019


Filed under Satire

Picture this: you are exiting the Elaine Langone Center, facing downhill. You cannot wait to get out of the cold and into your Prius parked outside of the Zipcar parking lot. You turn left to walk the couple of seemingly non-threatening stairs to get to the invisible crosswalk. As you make your way...

Bucky’s Declassified: Results May Vary

Bucky’s Declassified: Results May Vary

January 31, 2019


Filed under Satire

Tip #32 Some conspiracy theorists say that you can spend your entire four years on campus without spending a single Dining Dollar. If you go to every research presentation and club meeting that offers free pizza, there is a small possibility of survival. Just make sure to bring your own toppings....

Fyre Festival alumnus plans guest workshops once released from prison

Fyre Festival alumnus plans guest workshops once released from prison

Amy Schlussler, Contributing Writer

January 31, 2019


Filed under Satire

University “alumnus” and entrepreneur Billy McFarland recently announced that he will be making an appearance on campus for the first time in many years. Due to extenuating circumstances involving fraud, lawsuits, and criminal investigations, McFarland is expected to return in 2024. The man behind...

Seniors scarred after learning credit scores at “Personal Finance” workshop

Jeff Klebauskas, Contributing Writer

January 31, 2019


Filed under Satire

Several graduating seniors were horrified today after the looming specter of adulthood revealed its ugly façade to them in the form of their current credit scores at a personal finance workshop. Professor of Economics Isaiah Cooperman facilitated the workshop and spoke with The Bucknellian while ge...

Student attempts to hack into L’Agenda to Photoshop embarrassing senior portrait

Alex Boyer, Staff Writer

January 31, 2019


Filed under Satire

A student was apprehended this morning and charged in connection to an attempted break-in and tampering of official University documents to edit an embarrassing senior photo. The student, Fran C. Tick ’19, was found comatose outside Dana Engineering at the scene of the crime, passed out from seeing h...

Extreme weather alert deleted by most of campus, mistaken for Message Center Digest

Lewis Rizzoli, Staff Writer

January 31, 2019


Filed under Satire

Every University student understands the grievances caused by Message Center Digest emails. Initially, you are hopeful that your package from Amazon has arrived, or your professor responded to clarify your homework questions, or that the notification came from virtually any other useful source that would...

Bob Ross painting course titled “Happy Accidents” offered to overworked students, amid controversy

Bob Ross painting course titled “Happy Accidents” offered to overworked students, amid controversy

Alexander Boyer, Staff Writer

January 24, 2019


Filed under Satire

In a bid to increase University support, faculty and alums introduced an art and art history course called “Happy Accidents” which focuses on the life and works of famous painter Bob Ross. At first, the course seemed remarkably well-received as it is designed to provide stress relief and disc...

BSG shutdown leaves student employees without their paychecks

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writer

January 24, 2019


Filed under Satire

The Bucknell Student Government (BSG) is moving into the fourth week of its first-ever government shutdown. Students are expected to go without pay for several months. The president of BSG, Donna Trunk ’19, has asked for five billion campus dollars in order to construct a Facebook wall on which...

Bucky’s Declassified: Here We Go Again

January 24, 2019


Filed under Satire

Tip #1 For all seniors, this is it. The last hurrah. Your final semester at the University as an undergraduate. Now is the time to take that bucket list you made first year and do all those crazy things you planned with your roommate in your cramped Smith Hall double. Play a game of pong in Bostwick Mar...

President Bravman serves Wendy’s to men’s basketball team during celebratory dinner

Lewis Rizzoli, Contributing Writer

January 24, 2019


Filed under Satire

The University’s men’s basketball team has been on a hot streak recently, with big wins in the past month against strong programs like Colgate, American, Holy Cross, and Lehigh. The consistent wins have propelled the Orange and Blue to first place in the Patriot League and positioned them as front-runners...

The weekly student newspaper of Bucknell University
Satire