The Bucknellian

Following massive mailroom lines, University establishes owl-based delivery system

Anthony Lopez, Contributing Writer

September 6, 2018


Filed under Satire

Students have hesitantly opened the doors to the Elaine Langone Center (ELC) this past week and entered with bated breath, only to find that the mailroom line was still as mind-blowingly long as it was at noon. They sigh and drag their feet to the back. Any person who has received the email reading,...

Disillusioned first years charter fraternity in McDonnell Hall

Disillusioned first years charter fraternity in McDonnell Hall

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

September 6, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tired of watching recruitment roll on without them, two first-year students began taking matters into their own hands. After a three hour long meeting in their McDonnell Hall common room, Kyle Fi ’22 and Katie Reynolds ’22 announced the upcoming charter of their own McDonnell Hall fraternity....

Civil War ignites after heated debate between arts and STEM majors

Civil War ignites after heated debate between arts and STEM majors

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

September 6, 2018


Filed under Satire

A massive brawl erupted on Sept. 3 after a friendly conversation between first-year hall mates turned hostile. The former roommates, Ben Gineer ’20 and Art Vandelay ’20, met outside Bertrand Library to discuss their summer vacations and work on their homework together. However, things quickly went sou...

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide II

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide II

September 6, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #284 Laundry is difficult. You can never really be sure how much detergent to put in the machine or what settings are best for your stained Bid Day shirts. The best strategy is to leave your clothes in the washing machine for at least 24 hours, giving yourself enough time to kick back, finish...

University proposes Pottermore quizzes to sort first-year students

University proposes Pottermore quizzes to sort first-year students

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

August 30, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

After a week of deliberation, University Housing Services has announced its plan to implement Pottermore quizzes to sort incoming students into their first-year dorms. According to the software development team responsible for the project, the new polling system could be up and running as early as n...

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Bucky’s Declassified School Survival Guide

Charles Beers, Satire Editor

August 30, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tip #27 The Flying Bison is the perfect place for a late-night snack after a long night of registers and questionable decisions. That being said, do not go up to the counter and ask for a piece of avocado toast.   Tip #59 If you see gum on the quad, leave it there. It’s not free candy. &n...

New University dining pesto causes uproar among student body

Haley Mullen, News Co-Editor

August 30, 2018


Filed under Satire

Students returned to the Bison on Aug. 20 excited to reunite with their much-missed Bada Basil. However, chaos ensued when students began to realize their beloved pesto was no more. Quinoa and penne began to fly as students flipped tables and flung their bowls in protest all over the changed pesto r...

Texting student still falling after tripping into Vedder’s sidewalk hole

Alex Boyer, Contributing Writer

August 30, 2018


Filed under Satire

Students living in Vedder Hall received a rude awakening early Sunday afternoon by what was reported to be a loud, feminine shriek. Witnesses have stated that the sound disrupted everything in the building, even the sleep of hungover residents. There were reports of tremors and glass breaking before the dorm fell into...

Student feels effects after summer-long Netflix binge

Anthony Lopez, Contributing Writer

August 30, 2018


Filed under Satire

As the summer drew to a close, Jonathan Hulu ’20 frantically searched for another Netflix Original to binge. According to his mother, he had already completed “Stranger Things,” “Master of None,” and every single Marvel superhero show that the streaming service had churned out. “He even...

Student thrown out of class for saying hot dogs are sandwiches

Student thrown out of class for saying hot dogs are sandwiches

Bridget Beljan, Staff Writer

April 26, 2018


Filed under Satire, Top Stories

Another case of a student kicked out of class for an unconventional reason occurred on April 25 when Samuel Witch ’19 insisted that hot dogs were indeed sandwiches. In her Global Cuisine Integrated Perspectives course, Professor Delicacé was giving a lecture on the origins of the popular dish...

Fraternity brother shotguns beer one last time “for the memories”

Amy Schlussler, Contributing Writer

April 26, 2018


Filed under Satire

Fraternity brother, Natey Leight ‘18, had to carry out the most dreaded act of his Bucknell career Wednesday night. Leight, otherwise known as “Gas Pump,” shotgunned a beer for the last time on the steps of his fraternity, Mu Sigma Pu’s, downtown house. “Gas Pump” agreed to share the exp...

New construction of pool between Dana Engineering and Academic West excites student body

New construction of pool between Dana Engineering and Academic West excites student body

Rachel Zajac, Contributing Writer

April 26, 2018


Filed under Satire

University students can’t stop talking about the new Academic Eastquatic Center to be constructed between Academic West and Dana Engineering. The new pool is going to be open year-round, and its general architecture was inspired by the pool from the summer 2008 Olympics. Leadership on Bucknell Student...

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