The Bucknellian

Type A students disturbed that Rooke Chapel bells are two minutes off

Type A students disturbed that Rooke Chapel bells are two minutes off

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

March 30, 2017


Filed under Satire

After the recent renovation of the Rooke Chapel belfry, Type A students across campus have expressed their frustration that the bells, which are supposed to ring every 15 minutes starting at the top of the hour, are now approximately two minutes fast. “I’ll be walking to my 9 a.m class and...

Senior GDI goes to formals, told she’s actually ‘really chill’

Senior GDI goes to formals, told she’s actually ‘really chill’

Emma Sheehy, Contributing Writer

March 30, 2017


Filed under Satire

At a university where many students’ identities are defined by two or three Greek letters, the social order came to a screeching halt last March 25 when JoJo “GDI” Coleman ’17 was seen at a downtown fraternity event. After a fellow classmate set her up on a blind date, Coleman made the...

The List: High maintenance Starbucks orders

The List: High maintenance Starbucks orders

Madeline Diamond & Courtney Wren, Senior Editor & Satire Editor

March 30, 2017


Filed under Satire, The List

A black coffee with light ice Medium iced coffee with skim milk Skinny sugar-free vanilla latte Skinny sugar-free caramel swirl iced coffee with two Splenda An iced chai with soy milk and light ice A coldbrew with almond milk Venti skinny peppermint moc...

Student parks in 15-minute parking indefinitely because rules don’t apply to them

Student parks in 15-minute parking indefinitely because rules don’t apply to them

Courtney Wren, Satire Editor

March 9, 2017


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Following the discovery of a ticket on her car parked in 15-minute parking, Lauren Lowry-House ’17 told reporters on March 7 that she was surprised she got a ticket because she genuinely thought the rules didn’t apply to her. “I had to park there—it was 10:57 and I didn’t see any spots...

Senior student asked to apply to be an Orientation Assistant mortally offended

Senior student asked to apply to be an Orientation Assistant mortally offended

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

March 9, 2017


Filed under Satire

The ELC Mall is usually filled with various student organizations tabling for events while passersby aggressively avoid eye contact. During the week of March 6, however, the gauntlet-like stretch was taken over by a sea of orange T-shirts, indicating that the deadline for Orientation Assistant (OA)...

Overherd on campus

Overherd on campus

Madeline Diamond & Courtney Wren, Senior Editor & Satire Editor

March 9, 2017


Filed under Satire

“Should I ‘finsta’ this or do you think his girlfriend would screenshot it?” “I don’t know if I should apply to be an OA, I’m not very social.” “I think he cares a lot about his hair, so I would gladly shave it off if I could.” “Does anything about me scream ‘chopped...

Senior English major takes lab science, realizes she has to ‘try’

Senior English major takes lab science, realizes she has to ‘try’

Emma Sheehy, Contributing Writer

March 9, 2017


Filed under Satire

The semester from hell finally happened for English major and arts and crafts minor Carly Trout ’17 when she was forced to face her lab science College Core Curriculum (CCC) requirement after years of convincing herself that she’ll “just do it later” and that “it can’t be that bad.” The...

The List: Better ways to spend spring break than going on a trip with 17 of your friends

March 9, 2017


Filed under Satire, The List

1. Teach yourself how to knit via a YouTube tutorial. 2. Take your cat to the dentist. 3. Try to recreate Amami’s Sriracha mayonnaise. 4. Watch all 331 episodes of “ER.” 5. Memorize all the U.S. state capitals. 6. Take up juggling. 7. Rewrite the “interests” section of your resume. 8. Apply ...

Young Love: An open letter to that couple from freshman year

Madeleine Silva, Web Managing Editor

March 9, 2017


Filed under Satire, Young Love

I see you; we all see you. You’re that couple that created a relationship out of the hot muggy air that festered throughout New Student Orientation back in August. While the majority of students struggled to find even the bathroom, you two somehow managed to find love. That’s really great for...

Newly politically engaged student only describes beliefs in ‘Hamilton’ lyrics

Newly politically engaged student only describes beliefs in ‘Hamilton’ lyrics

Madeline Diamond, Senior Editor

March 2, 2017


Filed under Satire, Top Stories, Top Stories

Christina Adams ’19, a newly registered voter as of the 2016 presidential election, never considered herself to be that political. However, after recently seeing “Hamilton” on Broadway, she experienced an awakening. “You want a revolution? I want a revelation, so listen to my declaration!...

The List: Highly recommended ways to introduce yourself at a career fair

The List: Highly recommended ways to introduce yourself at a career fair

Madeline Diamond and Courtney Wren

March 2, 2017


Filed under Satire, The List

Throw a paper airplane made from your resume across the room. Slip a $20 into their hands when you shake hands. Break into a four verse song explaining why you want to work there. Somersault up to the desired booth. Speak only in Pig Latin. Ask the company representative wh...

Fat Tuesday files for legal name change

Fat Tuesday files for legal name change

Jon Meier, Staff Writer

March 2, 2017


Filed under Satire

On the morning of Feb. 28, Fat Tuesday, known to many as Mardi Gras, filed for a legal name change at the New Orleans Civil District Court. On the front steps of City Hall, Tuesday addressed reporters with close friends, Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, beside him. “The word fat is a venomous word...

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